Trigger Warning: mental health, depression, suicidal behavior, self harm
Right now I am packing for a day away from the place I live. I had a wake up call and now I need to put myself together or I can get worse and become too harmful. I really don’t want to get in details, but I am physically hurt from something I did to myself. I’ll be ok but it will leave a scar. I am so upset because of this. As a model, we put so much effort in our looks. It sucks.
I don’t want to relive today. Definitely this was the worst day in my life. It’s all on my Twitter for the next couple of days. When I come back, I probably will purge my Twitter once again and manage my time there better.
Well, I’ll be off for only one day. Maybe someday I’ll make a story time on YouTube and tell exactly what happened.
But for now… for now I just want to rest, wake up tomorrow, grab my bag with my Nintendo Switch and my iPad, and leave this house for treatment. They aren’t allowed me to bring my phone and to be honest I didn’t ask about the iPad or the Switch. I can’t stop worrying about this health bill. My mental health has been hurt for quite some time. Dead bedroom, not finding a match on dating/hookup sites, rejection from online crushes, losing my dog, elderly family member in Brazil getting the coof…. and not having anyone to talk my feelings. It would end up bringing me to this end, but at least… at least I am seeking for healing.
Maybe it’s the OnlyFans hurting my self esteem more than ever. The money I make there isn’t that good anyway, I mostly do because I’m exhibitionist. But maybe when I come back I will shut it down… everything right now is a HUGE maybe. Nothing is clear.
I’ve reached over 900 followers on Twitter and I can’t even celebrate. Wanted to do a strapon special for my 1K special, but at this point, my focus is just healing.
So I hope you will be here when I come back. I definitely will. Things will have to be less personal on Twitter. I’m sorry. I can’t have the same things happening over and over and feeling like I am invisible.
My mental health made me burn so many bridges too. I was worried a lot about that when I was about to inflict harm to myself. I constantly feel like nobody likes me. Both irl and online. It’s terrible. This is one of the things I told my concealer today. And it’s one of the many things we will work together to improve.
I fear medications because my abuser used to drug me with legal medication and there’s months of my life that I can’t remember. And the ones I remember I was an awful person who wanted to just end myself. I’m scared of meds at this point. I know I need them, but I have a feeling that once I was already so close to end it all, I’m afraid the meds will give me the last step I need to finish.
I want to leave this here as a reminder of my lowest point in life. I thought that being abused everyday both mentally and physically would’ve been. But there’s nothing like having Death staring at you telling me to do it. Telling me I am a bad person and nobody gives a fuck if I go.
It’s not my time. I know it’s not. I know there’s something awaiting for me if I focus the right energy to the right place.
I’ll post later some updates on what you can expect on my main Twitter account. I’ll keep my lewds account lewd for now. But on both I won’t have that much interaction. I’m so sorry for doing you guys like this. I may answer comments and like here and there.
I’m tired. I gotta wake up early and starting ending this chapter.
Thanks for your time,