A few days ago, as soon as I had just made an announcement for returning to streaming on Twitch and making more YouTube and general SFW content, I ended up feeling like retiring from everything and just disappear from the globe. The fact is… my personal life has been in a rough path for quite some time. I really don’t want to get public to details, but it does involve dead bedroom, feeling ugly and invisible constantly, just in general not getting attention from men. Yeah, feminists, you can hate me for all I care, but I’m a traditional woman. I like male attention, I like being cat called and hit on.
So this past month I’ve reached over 920 followers on Twitter and my posts have been getting a bit of traction. Not much, but enough to gain a steady flow of new followers, which I cherish. If I go somewhere someday, it will be because of you. And for that thank you.
But still… I was feeling invisible. My personal life imploding… and not getting enough cat calling like comments… my priorities were getting screwed up and I’m the first one to admit.
Then I made friends with a group of people. All of them meant no harm to me. You guys know who you are and for that thank you. But some of their behavior made me feel left behind. I am not pointing fingers, but some stuff were getting to my self esteem. Gosh, it would be so much easier if my irl life wasn’t as bad. But it was. And everything boiled.
What matters is that, at one point I couldn’t take feeling invisible anymore and ended up snapping on one of them. A very sweet girl. We had potential for being besties, if wasn’t for me and my anger issues blew things up.
I was concerned that I was losing simps to her, when in fact, all our simps are in the same group of people. But some actions were… off. Like her simps commenting on a weight loss pic I’ve posted about her breasts and the things they wanted to do to her… on my post. It hurt. It hurt so bad. I was proudly showing the fruits of my carnivore diet and got instead someone else collecting compliments. That was the first strike and the first time I realized I was getting jealous.
Like I mention. She’s a sweetie and I really want her to find happiness. But on Twitter, and for my mental health, I just couldn’t anymore follow her. Yesterday, I unfollowed her, blocked her on other apps, but while I was at it, I just prayed as hard as I could for her to find happiness – as I want to.
It’s terrible. Social media made me angry and jealous, even though my numbers were going up.
I feel like total trash. I apologized to her. I went off on one of her simps, which were mine at some point and then we went to talk on a private chat.
I am really sorry. I’ve cried but I hope she understands I’m weak at the moment and I don’t wish her any harm.
So no… now I’m on a break. I know I’ve announced on OnlyFans that I was going to retire, but unfortunately I can’t at the moment. I have some priorities that need help from my OF. So I’m just taking a few weeks of break.
And for the rest of the group, I appreciate the moment we have shared, the funny jokes, the non PC fun. Everything. But I don’t want to come back to their private chat. I hope they can forgive me for the sudden disappearance, but it’s time for me to focus on healing. I should have listen to what I was asked to do. To step down of Twitter and work on myself.
So now I’m definitely doing it. Not only Twitter, but also OF, Instagram, YouTube. And I have a plan on how to return and stay focused on the important and pressing matters.
I almost quit sw, but I gotta push though because thanks to it, I’m able to study to get GED, and work on other goals I have IRL.
This was a big lesson to me. I must avoid the control clout can have over my mind. I’ll build my own clout eventually. But for now, my main focus is… taking care of myself, grow up from all of this and return to my grind online.
Thank you for reading this post. And thank you for allowing me to take a break. I want to come back only if I am able to love myself and stay focused. I need to stay focused. Future me will thank me.