Internet Clout Chasers & My Hardest Lesson I’ve Learned

Edited on 03.26.2021: I no longer want to be involved in what happened as it is detrimental to my work that I am doing on healing and learning from this situation, but I still want my side of the events to be told. I do not share anyone’s involved names, so I decided to delete all my tweets and also the links from this post. I’ve also released a vlog discussing my lessons that I’ve learn and I am proactively working to rehab from all of this. You can check the latest vlog HERE and if you wish to support me, leave a like and a comment. It’s truly appreciated

Before you start reading all of this about this past weekend’s drama, I’d like to make a small disclaimer: do not interact or harass anyone involved in the situation, specially the girl as me and her decided to part ways in an amicable way, or at least I think it was. If you know who these people are(not that I’m not mentioning any names because I still have a glimpse of respect for them, but i can’t fix the screenshots I received because my mental health can’t take reading all what they said about me one more time), leave them alone. And also respect the fact that I do not want to discuss this ever again, unless there is new events because even without me wanting, there’s people in that community that care for me and for my mental health safety. I thank you guys even though I don’t ask you to do this. In fact I’d rather move on and if they want to keep talking about me, let them, at least I live rent free in someone’s head 🙂

Doesn’t matter how much you bench press if your mind isn’t strong. One of the pitfalls I honestly struggle due to PTSD is trying to please everyone because I’ve learn that NO means a harder Yes during my domestic violence relationship. So it’s hard to see over 50 people block me without me knowing what I did then find out I am a monster.

To be honest, that hurt is done. The former friend and I came up with an agreement and apology and we moved on. This is just how life operates. It hurts to see most of the people go and they will talk and humiliate me -or so they think, hive mentality and clout chasing are really bad drugs, try to think for yourself, don’t be afraid of burning bridges.

Funny fact is that one of the people who left tried to warn me saying I was burning bridges, when that same group was ostracizing me, ignoring me, etc. after s3xting their main person, who has a history of being anti s3x workers and women in general. The stuff was so bad in that discord server, that in one vc they completely ignored my existence, talking over me, and just using me to ask my former friend to join. Once she joined, they went pretty much to just playfully bully her until she left. I’ve stayed for another hour, but the men decided to just talk to another girl in the chat. Even when the conversation changed to video games, which I love talking about, I couldn’t manage to muster a full sentence without someone just talking non stop over me. And before people say the vc was busy, it wasn’t. We were only5 people that night, there was a 6th person but he was muted.

I’ve been through a lot both irl and online. I’m not new to discord servers or any other group chats. They actually helped me with my social anxiety, but this experience and many more that came in just less than a month since I joined these guys, made me have to start over and work on myself harder. I have some bad mental conditions associated with PTSD that weren’t this bad for so many years. Until February I was fine. My online life became a mess when I joined this group of people, mostly shit posters. I want to make clear that I am not saying I don’t have any fault, I am far from perfect. I have low self esteem and yes I know but admit that I seek for attention online some times. But I do work on these issues actively. It will take time because they are connected with my PTSD from an abusivo relationship.

I am not a part of any cult. I refuse to be demanded to think like everybody else and I really hate “Yes Men”. I am pro freedom of speech and I will fight for my right to be heard.

When shit hit the fan and I finally got evidence of the bad things they were saying about me without me even knowing, I exploded. And I know, some will say I lose people’s sympathy because of this, but anyone being bullied would too. With or without PTSD and the other conditions I have, anyone would.

I’ve had a few people who left me telling me to work on my insecurities or they would constantly return and continue this cycle. I’ve been working on it, but think about it. I did not know people were being so shit and talking this much on my back. It causes you paranoia when others who are seeing this come to you, the unknown victim, and tell you that they know people are talking about you for weeks.

And for these weeks I was like “what?”, “Who is talking??”, “what did I do?”. Then the main person come to your tweets and tell me to quit Twitter since I am not receiving the attention I wanted. I am mostly a pacifist, but I had my doubts about him because we sexted and after that he ignored my existence in his server, and it became really awkward for me, even if just no strings attached, actively ghosting someone while just answering other people still stings you, doesn’t matter if you have feelings or not.

So someone finally tagged me on a post from March 7th 2021 containing screenshots of that server that I left. The server I helped boosting to give them perks like emotes, which nobody ever came to me to ask if I wanted an emote there as courtesy you know,just a shoutout on the main guy’s Twitter. I did the boost just as a way to thank them because I thought I finally had found a group of friends. I didn’t give a shit about clout, I want to build my own and I realize after these recent events I am ostracized from that side of twitter. But it’s ok, I never benefited from it, guys only want free lewd/sexual pics of women, even leaking paid content in that server if wasn’t for me catching that, other online internet girls’ lewds and erotic content would have leaked. I honestly feel sorry for the girls staying there and posting lewds for free for some validation of these guys. It means nothing. But I’m also a business woman in that industry, so I think different, and should have kept that mentality.

It reached a point that even a selfie of mine without any sexual intent was ignored. That’s when I realized that place wasn’t for me. I have enough confidence to know where I am not welcomed and then I left. I was being ignored in the general chat, I was being ignored in voice chat, I was being ignored in the lewd session.

I was at first scared that if I left they would lose the perks I paid for, but I couldn’t handle staying in a server and paying for their enjoyment when I didn’t belong there anymore. My time was over. The leader clearly ignoring me and his followers too.

At one point I had other people who knew this guy telling me he was anti-thot and I shouldn’t trust him. And I had a gut feeling, but he said in a DM I brought good vibes to the server, so after seeing all of this this weekend really messed me up.

I’ve lost people. Good riddance. Now more I think about, you weren’t really friends of mine.

I had SO MANY people harassing me for posting my defense of what was the issue once I found out why they were ignoring me. The reason they started this crusade against me was because the girl I loved as much as a sister got hurt because I’ve unfollowed in the beginning of March a bunch of people, mostly egirls, to work on my self esteem. I am the first one to admit I have issues related with self esteem. She didn’t take it properly even thought she came in my DM’s and I tried to explain to her, I even followed her back. She made it public in the server and the leader of the group with his sidekick took advantage of the girl’s mental state and started a tirade against me. They even joked about my mental health. At the same day I begged the girl for forgiveness and to let me work on myself.

At the same day I was undergoing treatment to not hurt myself irreparably is when they moved their attacks to Twitter.

Over these past weeks I’ve been working hard on my mental health, but all were for naught due to all of this. I became paranoid having people coming to me to laugh at me. I had even things I wrote in DM’s to that girl being posted and being laughed at. But when I posted my defense, which was just me being the same as I always have to her, I lost more people. I lost someone I thought was special. Everybody blocked me.

I just wanted to prove using the same thing they did to me in their server that I NEVER was disrespectful to her. In fact I loved and cared for her. I had this special person texting me that he hated what I did and all I could answer, which I don’t know if he even got, was “I’m sorry, I am just trying to defend myself, I won’t pursue anymore”, something like that. After that I deleted all the texts and phone number. But that HURT.

They used my own DM’s in their server to laugh at me. They laughed at my looks, which it doesn’t bother me at all because of the type of business I always been(I was a bikini model during my abusive relationship), so I have a pretty thick skin when it comes to men telling me I am fucking ugly, laughing about my weight loss efforts(at least I go to the gym everyday and am a carnivore, so I really don’t care about what you think).

But, mental health and wish I didn’t recover from my situation that could have taken my life. That’s trash human being behavior. And should not be forgiven.

I want to make clear that yeah I spoke privately with the girl involved and it was extremely emotional. I’ve been crying pretty much daily until finding out what was going on and losing all these people. I know, call me weak but she was a good girl, she is unfortunately being manipulated and I hope she wakes up soon and see these people are not good.

But the leader of the group, his wanna be edgy lord side kick and the unfortunate guy with some mental issues(with all respect, the dude has autism and depression issues), they will not be forgiven. I am moving on and honest idgaf anymore as I am now doing a more intense treatment and will take me a few weeks until I can return and even so, my return will just not be the same because I don’t want to mingle with anyone anymore. I just want to do my thing and grow a very positive community with mutual respect and not a fuck given to clout chasing.

The reason they won’t be forgiven and their apology not accepted is because of how hard they went on attacking me behind me, joking about my mental health and living status, and they are clout chasers. Just a little bit of attention they get, it goes straight up their head. I had personal friends of one of them telling me they were nice guys until they grew and started to mingle with some Twitter small edgy celebs.

The reason why I know they only released their apologies and that quick was after I reposted all the screenshots I was sent. They are trying to discredit them because it came from someone they hate, but the girl that was involved pretty much admitted they are real. We agreed there wouldn’t be any DM screenshots released from my side but on Twitter I publicly stated she has the right to post them. These guys GOT CAUGHT. now there’s images floating online of them bullying someone with mental health problems who left their server for taking care of herself. I was minding my own business these pasta weeks until I couldn’t take anymore people coming to me DM’s and apologizing for shit I didn’t know and then, this past Friday to Saturday night 50 people mass unfollowing me and blocking me without telling me why. This stuff can really fuck you up even if you are doing group therapy, taking medication and working actively on yourself. There’s no amount of therapy that prepares you for all of this that I’ve found.

And because they mingle with some ecelebs, I tagged them to let them know about me being bullied without reason. I didn’t fucking know what is going on. So the third guy, who I at first was sorry that he was included in the screenshots and also because of his own mental health issues(he has depression and like I said Autism), came in my DM’s pretty much shaming me for staying on my ground and not accept their apology, called me all sorts of names and that everything I did was my fault and I pretty much deserve what is happening to me. He even called me the R word multiple times in the DM’s. He demanded me to erase those posts tagging these ecelebs and take the apology and be the bigger person. He said he was doing that because he cared about me. No, he’s trying to blindly defend his leader. This is not how apologies work. He gradually became aggressive in the DM’s. It was disturbing for someone who is a victim of abuse to be receiving that type of direct abuse. When he said he cared about it, it triggered in my my memory of my abuser demanding me to write apology letter because I didn’t let him have sex with another woman and he saying to me that I better write that letter because he didn’t want to kick me out, because he cared about me. I know, different situations, but same mentality right there. This is not how accepting an apology works.

This is not how apologies work. Not by coercion. This just added to the reason to why I will not forgive and accept these guys apology. This also infringes on my 1st Amendment Right. I was receiving abuse in my DM’s, I’ve been through a lot without even knowing what’s going on.

That server is a total cancel. Those guys are horrible people. They just want to rule something, but only cause drama. Do not do what I did, they will sweet talk ethots, pity them against each other, and once their leader get what he wants from you, you are invisible to all of them.

I am proud of myself for standing my ground. And as of today I disavow any clique online. I don’t want to be part of any. I just want to do my own thing and I am extremely grateful for the people who are staying. It has been a painful lesson.

I’m leaving here some links of the screenshots. Not all are there, I tried to remove the ones involving the girl out of respect. But for the guys, you deserve no forgiveness.

This is it. I’m no more talking about this situation in any social media and the reason I wanted to put on my blog is for people who may see their side of all these events and can’t see my side. I know there’s 50 of you out there at least. I am distancing of Twitter for the next few weeks and all the posted content will be scheduled posts and ads for streams and photo sets. I thought about making a video about this on YouTube but I don’t want this negativity anymore. The reason for a video was because I wanted to show my face and tell “face to face” my experience with internet bullying, but honestly I am sick and tired of this all. And I’m also writing in a blog because I may purge someday my Twitter and I want to preserve my side. I deserve to be heard too. So no, no YouTube video. I just psychologically can’t.

(PS: I have the DM’s still of the guy with Autism, but I am afraid of posting because I know that him, like me, suffer from severe depression and is also actively going to therapy. When I find a way to cover his identity, I will post, also it’s very painful to have to relive all of this garbage).

Update: These are the same people I indirectly discussed in my previous post. Funny how some times you just have a gut feeling, but… you just ignore for whatever reason…